“Where’s dad?”
“At the hardware store.”
“Still?”
“Oh, he’s been back.
“And gone?”
“Again.”
“Again?”
“Yes.”
“When can we use the toilets?”
Rule #1. In a house with only two bathrooms (i.e., two toilets) fix only one at a time. Rule #2. Know by heart the phone numbers of at least two plumbing companies that have 24/7 service.
Rule #3. Give generously and give often to the Plumbers Benevolent Society. As soon as they send it to you, put the little crossed wrench sticker on your bumper, right next to the State Troopers Association sticker.
Since we rely on a septic system that cannot tolerate leaks of any sort, we are zealous seekers of worn out washers and gummy gaskets. Because our lovely home is a bit older than most, my family, including the dogs, has developed hypersensitive ears to the faint hissing sound water makes when it seeks errant escape from aged faucets, hoses, shower heads and, in this case, toilets. In fact it was the dogs’ simultaneous barking (at 4 a.m.) at our two commodes (unoccupied) that alerted us to the situation.
As the other members of my family commented on the dogs’ alarm, (Daughter: “Daddy, it’s 4 in the morning!” Son: “Shut those animals up!” Wife: “Why on earth you trained them to bark at leaks I’ll never …!”), I checked out the situation. Sure enough, water was escaping. Lifting the tank lids, I immediately ascertained the flap-thingy in both was allowing water to escape. They needed to be replaced. Being an avid D-I-Y kind of guy, I knew I could handle it. However, I found it rather curious that the leaks occurred simultaneously. I immediately reached for the car keys.
“Dear, it’s 4 in the morning!” my mate rather strongly reminded me.
Not a problem, I joyfully replied (at the beginning of all D-I-Y projects, D-I-Y guys are joyful), we’ve got a 24-hour Wal-Mart!
As I flew through the back door, I thought I heard my bride say, to my astonishment, “idiot.” But as I barreled down the highway, I convinced myself I had misheard. What she really said was, “good luck.” Yeah, that was it. “Good luck.”
Wal-Mart can be a scary place at 4:30 in the morning. The vast assortment of tattoos, green hair and pierced body parts is astounding. I was somewhat relieved when I saw my friend and Wal-Mart Associate, Jerome. This morning his hair was a blindingly bright yellow. I noticed no new earrings or tattoos, however.
“Another project?” Jerome asked politely. Jerome was the early A.M. plumbing guy. He was also the early A.M. paint guy and electric guy, which is how I first met him. That was when lightning hit … but that’s another story.
I told him about the flapper-thingy. He asked me a variety of technical questions about the type of flapper-thingy I needed. He knew his stuff. Unfortunately, I didn’t and ended up buying eight different parts for my two toilets.
By 6 a.m., with both toilets disassembled, I had discovered the flapper was the least of my problems. Gaskets and washers dissolved before my very eyes as I wrestled the new flapper into place. At 7 a.m. (a line had formed outside one of the bathrooms), I gave the keys to the car and my office to my bride, who quietly rushed my family to use those facilities.
As the day progressed, I had the pleasure of visiting Jerome again, a plumbing specialist at True Value, a plumbing expert at Home Depot and of partaking in a phone consultation with Helen, my 24/7 authority, who was the office manager/plumbing counselor at A1 Plumb-Rite (locally owned and operated) Plumbing Company. She expertly talked me through the ballcock replacement.
By 7 p.m., with Helen’s valuable expertise, both commodes were working. By 8 p.m. my family had forgiven me my 3 p.m. comments about which &d#$%^! wrench I needed and why they &d#$%^! couldn’t comprehend my frustration at my &d#$%^! inability to hack saw off the tank bolts Helen patiently told me had to be removed, and which Fred, Jerome’s replacement, had sold me. Fred also, more or less, solved the mystery of both toilets going at the same time.
“Electrolysis.” Fred stated.
“Huh?” I replied, suddenly fearful of my family or me getting zapped by the commodes.
He went on about the copper parts in the tank and water and equivalent masses and Michael Faraday and cathodes and anodes.
&d#$%^! right, I said.
By 9 p.m., completely flushed of emotion, we all went to bed.
At 4 the next morning, when the dogs started barking at the kitchen sink, I just rolled over and went back to sleep.
Copyright 2021, Saron Press, Inc.
Originally published in 2009, CH2/CB2 Magazine