To: sclaus@northpole.org
Subject: My old list and your database
Date: 12/1/01
Dear Santa,
You may not remember me. It’s been, well, several years since I wrote you. I think it was the year I got my older brother’s hand-me-down Schwinn instead of the new English racer I asked you for. I just figured my list got misplaced. Yeah, that was the same year Dad put everything we owned, and then some, on the line to buy the hardware store. I was like, maybe nine. In case you were wondering, everything turned out just fine and I got the racer from Mom and Dad the next Christmas. But I guess things were tight for everybody that year, even you.
Hey, I know a zillion kids have sat on your lap and written you a zillion letters since then, but just in case, I was the kid with the Hopalong Cassidy shirt and the real cowboy boots my uncle sent me from Arizona. I remember telling you about that. Funny what sticks in your brain for fifty plus years! Ha, ha.
Anyway, I figured it was about time to revise the last list I sent you, just in case it was misplaced or something and, bam, it turns up in your database now! Wouldn’t that be something. I kept a copy. (Well, my Mom did. It was at the bottom of the big box she kept all my letters in. The one my older brother gave me right after my mother died.) So here goes.
I really don’t want a Whoopie Cushion anymore, but if it’s already packed in the sleigh, I suppose you could give it to my son. Oh yeah, I have a son, a big 13-year-old. Nice guy, but into that Whoopie Cushion sort of stuff. My daughter, yeah, I have a daughter, too. They’re twins! She’s gorgeous and smart. She wants a scholarship to William and Mary. Is that something you can arrange?
But, as mentioned, I would like to do a little updating on my last (1954) list. Could you replace the “Authentic Fort Apache Kit! Includes all cavalry and Indian fighters,” with “Authentic Safe Haven Kits” for the uniformed young men and women in Central Asia, especially in the following countries: Pakistan, Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Iran and, Afghanistan. Just be very, very careful.
Instead of the Yogi Berra-autographed catcher’s mitt, could you drop off about 100 tons of food in Afghanistan, especially along the borders. Just drop it, they’ll catch it. And I don’t need the Gene Autry lunch box any more (actually, my mother wouldn’t let me get it because I didn’t eat my spinach). So maybe the same amount of food should go to Bosnia, Lebanon, Indonesia, Honduras, Mozambique, Eritrea, and every homeless shelter and soup kitchen in the U.S. Include India, too. Make it everywhere there is hunger. If you need an extra sleigh, I’ve got friends in the long-haul business.
As for the Erector Set, I got that too, a couple of years later. So maybe you could deliver the biggest one you’ve got to New York City. Just leave it on Church Street, between Liberty and Vesey Streets. They need it more than I do. And while you’re there spreading joy, spread comfort, lots of comfort.
Now “Robert the Robot” would definitely be cool. But you might not make them anymore. So, instead, could you bring a bunch of the new neutron scanners to every major airport in the world. That may be asking a lot, but we really need them. Since you’re an experienced pilot, you may already know all about that stuff. But we’re just learning. If you don’t have it, I’ve got the phone number of one of the companies who makes them.
Now this might be a tough one. Remember the Edmund’s Scientific science kit, the one with the dead flies in little bottles and the battery-operated microscope I wanted? I’m out of school now, so you might want to think about developing a little hand-held device that detects and destroys a long list of harmful spores and viruses. I’d like to give one to our UPS guy and mail lady. I’m sure a bunch of other folks would too.
I guess that’s all for now. You can throw the other list away . . .
No! Wait! I still want Mr. Potato Head! O.K.?
Peace be with you,
Your old friend, Paul
Copyright 2001 Saron Press, Ltd.